I have heard this statement countless times and felt the unworthiness of not being able to complete basic tasks. I truly wish the reason it was so hard for me to get out of bed was because I was lazy. I wish that the reason I did not want to attend class or a social gathering was because I was being lazy. I wish that my depression had not engulfed me in a manner in which I lost the motivation and will to live.
I have particularly struggled a lot with the ‘lazy’ side of depression – the loss of motivation, the loss of enjoying the small things in life, and the loss of my identity. What hurt me the most during these times was every sarcastic comment or remark. After listening to the same statements over and over again, I began to believe them. I did believe that I was lazy, that I was a lump of nothing who couldn’t do anything. I wanted to scream and shout and tell them I was depressed – but what was their constant response?
The correct response to being told that someone is depressed is definitely not: “Oh, you’re just sad, why don’t you try cheering up a bit?” or “You’re too young to feel this” or “Stop using that as an excuse for your laziness.” Which one hurt the most? They all stung. They all made me feel like my disorder was nothing. No, I am not saying I am my depression, but it has been a part of me and it did take over a big part of my life.
When I tried to open up about my depression, I got solutions. As the caring, loving creatures that we are, we always feel the need to ‘fix.’ But sometimes, we need to stop fixing and just try ‘feeling’. I wish people had stopped telling me what I needed to do to fix things: to sleep better, to study harder, or to socialize more. I got solutions, not comfort. Sometimes, the only thing that made me feel better was a hug from someone, telling me I would be okay and that it was okay to feel like this.
So in case you haven’t heard this from someone else today, I’m telling you: It is OKAY to feel depressed, anxious, scared, sad, upset, crappy, and angry. It is okay to not feel okay.
I remember feeling like I could not fight anymore.
I remember crying uncontrollably and not knowing what was wrong.
I remember not getting out of bed for days on end.
I remember not wanting to meet my friends or talk to my family.
I remember crying myself to sleep every night.
I remember the countless days I felt like I was not worth it.
I remember the times I felt like I was not in my body.
I remember the days I wanted to give up.
But,
I remember the day I decided to help myself.
You might think I am lazy, but I know I am not. I know I’m not okay right now, but that’s okay. The countless hurtful statements and questions are sadly a part of living with mental disorders – but they do not have to be. Have the courage to speak up, and if you can’t, the mental health community has people willing to hold your hand to help you. Treat yourself with kindness, love, compassion, and respect. I cannot promise you that everything will be okay in the next few days or months, but I can tell you it feels great to be in charge of yourself; to not have that depression inside you telling you that you can’t do things, that you’re not good enough for anyone or that you do not matter. To those struggling: Hang in there, it will get better.
Educate. Spread Awareness. Reduce the Stigma.
Rethink. Reach out.
NORMALIZE MENTAL HEALTH.
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